Saturday, December 29, 2007

An ordinary cactus

So, being an atheist is, in reality, a small part of who I am. I am of course a completely unique and wonderful thing full of intricacies and brimming with my own delicate nature. Well, maybe not, but I am the only "ME" I know. For instance, I speak conversational Albanian. How many of you, unless you are "nga Shqiperi" can say that? I'm one of those people who love Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" in a completely unironic way. I think Ty Cobb, regardless of being a loathsome roustabout, was the best baseball player of all time. Speaking of baseball, I am a die hard Angels fan. Can you smell the irony? I also love books, comic books, Irish drinking songs, sport stadium construction and 70's era exploitation films (Anything by Deodato, Last House on the Left, The Cheerleaders).

And there are things I hate. Seriously hate. For instance, the word "irregardless", the poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, those Fandango commercials that they play before movies and any one who prefixes an adjective with "uber". I do however, hold a special dark place in my heart for three things. Three kinds of people actually. I am of course excluding your obvious tools (terrorists, murderers, Bill Donohue). I think, most rational folks agree on those. Alas, I think these things are what prove to me that there is no God.

3. Bluetooth Headset Guy-
Seriously, what the fuck? You look like a jackass. Take the damn thing out of your ear. Unless your the president or prime minister of a country, a cable company tech support person or the guy at the Indiana Health Department who goes around to all the strip clubs and makes sure everyone is wearing pasties (Hoosier's think nipples are icky), you're not that important.

2. Che Guevara T-shirt Asshole-
Okay, we get it your a rebel. Why don't you rebel against your own idiocy and pick up a goddamn history book? Now, if you're a Cuban-communist who is studying medicine in the US and are celebrating your country's history, I can forgive that. But you are not. You are a Hacky-Sack kicking hippie d-bag. You're shirt is not ironic. How about this. Make a Robespierre t-shirt.

1. Dane Cook-
If anything on this orbiting rock disproves the existence of God, it's Dane Cook. How is this guy popular? I'm more entertained watching ostrich vomit warm in the sun. At first, I thought people were laughing at this guy's jokes the way you laugh at your 2-year-old's knock-knock jokes. "Oh, hon, isn't our little one precious?" But, alas, no. People think he's funny. He's been the star of two movies, so far. He's made out with Jessica Alba. He's made out with Jessica Simpson. He's basically cornered the hot Jessica market. How is this fair? Doesn't it bother these women that this guy is about as funny as a used condom slapping Angela Lansbury in the eye? Hold up, that's actually kind of funny. This guy is about as funny as a completely ordinary cactus.

So, those are the three kinds of people I think are ruining the world. What about you?

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